“No one really knows how the game is played
The art of the trade, how the sausage is made
We just assume that it happens
But no one else is in the room where it happens”
Lin-Manuel Miranda, “The Room Where it Happens”
Hey, my kinky, poly peeps! Welcome back for another great post. One of the wonderful things of being part of such an awesome community is that my friends are always on the look out for cool stuff for me to discuss. Today’s entry is no different as it comes from a TikTok video Bunny sent me. Our love language is memes and we’re constantly sending each other pictures and videos throughout the day. Maybe I should hire her to be my own personal sexy research assistant…
So, today we’re going to be talking about negotiations in the BDSM community. Now, negotiations can take many forms. Sometimes they happen right before a scene, sometimes they’re as complicated as a whole contract that a Dom and Sub sign. No matter what form they take, what matters is that they HAPPEN!. If you look back on my recent post about consent, you’ll understand that consent violations are more common than one might think and often happen as a result of a lack of understanding. Proper negotiations can head off these problems at the pass before they grow into full blown consent violations.
So today we’re going to review a TikTok video from Ms. Veronika Kestrel. Ms. Kestrel is a kink educator on “KinkTok” and let me say I…. think I am in love with this woman. I watched a bunch of her videos, she seems super intelligent, focused on education, and delivers the kind of message I want to once I decide to make the jump to TikTok (I’ve recognized I’m a flavor much better consumed in the written format than the visual, so I’m playing to my strengths here.)
In her video, Ms. Kestrel breaks down negotiations in to a simple acronym: “M.A.A.T.H.S.S.”. Right now, Panda is rolling her eyes, because half the reason she married me is that “I do the math” (the other reason being I drive her everywhere, and that’s besides the point). We’re gonna spend the rest of this entry breaking down each letter. Once you tear it apart, you’ll see that negotiations are actually really straight-forward, and you’re not gonna have any excuse about not engaging in them going forward.
M: Medical Considerations – So, not the sexiest thing to talk about, and in my experience, also not where one usually starts negotiations, however, it makes the acronym work and it’s super important. While it varies from scene to scene, virtually every BDSM activity has some sort of physical component. Sometimes it’s as simple as a submissive kneeling in front of their dominant, or it can be as complicated as a full-blown rigging. The point is, both parties need to be aware of any physical limitations either party might have. A good Dom doesn’t need to be a doctor or nurse, but I do like to say they should have a basic understanding of human anatomy so they don’t accidentally cut off circulation to your wrists when they tie you to the St. Andrew’s cross.
A: Advocate – This is really the heart of all negotiations. Advocating means discussing what you want to get out of the scene. I know that sounds pretty straight forward, and it can be difficult when you try to put it into practice. I remember the first time I tried to negotiate with Penguin:
Penguin: “What kind of things are you looking for?”
Me: *awkwardly* “Like…. dominant… stuff”
Penguin: “Like what?”
Me: *eyes looking around the room* “Like… dominant… sex… stuff”
No joke, that’s pretty much a verbatim recount of how it went. The reluctance on my part came from not only not really knowing what it was that I was after, but also some embarrassment of having to say out loud what it was that I really did want. That type of reluctance is normal and to be expected, and speaking what’s in your heart isn’t easy. The more you do it, the more comfortable you get. Where as once I was afraid to speak up, now the phrase “Yes, would you please tie my wrists to the bed posts and then sit on my face until I drown in your pussy juices” flows off my tongue like it’s second nature.
A: Aftercare – So, there’s this notion going around that aftercare isn’t always needed after a scene. While that sounds controversial, I think it’s absolutely true. How you and your partner choose to recover is up to you. I will say that, while aftercare may not be required, it absolutely should be discussed. One of the most disgusting scenes of “Fifty Shades of Grey” is after Christian and Anastasia scene for the first time, he carries her to a separate bedroom, and drops her like some old luggage. While not all subs need some one-on-one time with their Dominant (personally, I like a blanket and my Reese’s and to be left alone while I recover), it’s absolutely a discussion that both parties should have. It’s also important to remember that Dom’s can need aftercare too, so subs, make sure you’re looking out for them.
T: Triggers – It’s no secret that BDSM can be a great tool to help those who are recovering from trauma, particularly victims of sexual assault. By replaying the scene and allowing the victim to change the outcome, it helps them gain control of the incident and better process what happened. However, this can cut both ways as an otherwise normal scene can accidentally awaken feelings of trauma that one of the parties did not wish to experience. A really basic example of this is someone who might be claustrophobic probably wouldn’t want to be tied down and especially wouldn’t want to be blindfolded. While you don’t need to disclose the exact nature of any trauma to your partner, you do need to be vocal about your triggers so your partner knows what to avoid.
H: Hard Limits – Everyone has certain things in life that they absolutely will not make compromises about. For me, it’s mushrooms in my food. If I see that shit, it’s getting picked out, which is great, because Panda absolutely adores them. Our marriage is built on me sharing my unwanted mushrooms with her. A hard limit is something that is a “No-go” a “Full-stop”, if you will. If one of these happens, “Red” is getting called and the scene is over. Like your triggers, you don’t need to explain why they are what they are, you just need to make your partner aware.
S: Soft Limits – I remember while growing up, my mother was always trying to get me to try new foods. Ironically, I blame her for the fact that I’m such a picky eater. She would tell me that I only had to try something once and if I didn’t like it, I never had to eat it again. What I didn’t understand at the time is that taste buds don’t work that way. You have to eat something numerous times before you actually develop a feel for it. Soft limits are kind of like that. These are things that either A) you’re interested in trying but not sure that you’ll like, or B) enjoy, but can only handle a small amount of. While I’ve never been a big fan of impact play, Penguin and I have been experimenting with paddling and I consider it a soft limit. I’m okay with her trying it out, and it’s not something I’m ready for a whole lot of, at least not yet.
S – Sexual Touch – This is an important area of discussion because it can be where an inadvertent consent violation can cross the line into sexual assault. While BDSM is not inherently sexual, some people (myself included), like to add that sexual element. There’s a reason the only people I allow to top me are my partners. It’s because, with the activities I enjoy, particularly CBT, there’s a lot of sexual touch and I just don’t feel comfortable unless it’s someone I have an intimate relationship with. If sexual touch is going to be part of your scene, BE SPECIFIC! Say, “you can touch my penis”, or “you can touch my breast, but not my vagina”. Say what is in bounds as well as out of bounds so there is NO confusion whatsoever.
If it sounds like negotiations are a drawn-out, laborious process, that’s because… they are. While I’m not trying to scare anyone away from the BDSM community, the more steps you rush through, the more likely you are to find yourself as a party to a consent violation. Naturally, the more you scene with the same person, the more negotiations become streamlined. That’s not to say they don’t happen. Even after being with Penguin for the past five years, we still negotiate before every scene. It just takes the form of more of a “What would you like to do and what toys would you like to use.” We still check with each other to see if anything has changed, if there’s anything we did last time that we liked or didn’t like, or if there’s anything new we want to try out. As with anything in life, practice makes perfect, so grab that flogger and practice, practice, practice!
As always, until next time, stay kinky, my friends…
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