“If I hadn’t made me, I’d have fallen apart by now
I won’t let them make me, it’s more than I can allow
So when I make me, I won’t be paper mache
And if I fuck me, I’ll fuck me in my own way”
–Incubus, “Make Yourself”
Hey, my kinky, poly peeps! Thanks for your patience in this latest blog entry. Last week was a total whirlwhind, and the good news is that this coming week is my week-long Staycation where I plan to just skip work and hammer out some great content for you.
So, Penguin and I had our regular date night a few weeks back and I asked for her help in brainstorming some new blog ideas. Being the person I am, I wrote NONE of them down, so we’re going with the only one I can remember off the top of my head. I learned absolutely nothing from this experience, and it will happen again…
If you know anything about Penguin, you’ll recognize that she’s very introspective and has a strong sense of self-awareness, even more so than I, which is saying a lot. It’s both a blessing and a curse. I’ve heard that there’s a direct correlation between people with a high level of self-awareness and depression because they recognize how much of a shit-show the world can be at times. It’s an example of that old adage that ignorance is bliss. The less you know about the world around you, the happier you are, and those of us who are able to take a step-back and look at not just society but ourselves, often find things that we wish we would rather not see.
In line with this concept of introspection, Penguin asked me to take a step back and ask myself: “How has BDSM changed me?” More specifically, what tools and skills have I developed as part of the BDSM community that I’ve been able to apply in my Vanilla life to make me a better human being and more helpful and productive member of society. I loved this question so much, I couldn’t just keep it to myself and asked all my partners as well as a few of my metas. As expected, the list was long and diverse, and having the conversation with other people helped me recognize traits in myself that I hadn’t thought about before.
Communication – This is the 800 lb. gorilla in the room. Almost every person I’ve met who’s struggled inside the BDSM community can have their problems traced back to a lack of communication with their partners. I don’t make that statement as an accusation. It’s not their fault that people stumble here because we still live in a society, at least here in the U.S., where we’re subconciously told NOT the communicate. We’re told that communication is awkawrd, unsexy, and immature. They way we’re supposed to express our sexuality is through body language and innuendo, never direct, explicit, language.
Every other week I moderate a virtual BDSM munch through Zoom. We started it two years ago as a result of Covid, and my fellow admin team and I have kept it going becuase it’s been such a surprise success. Because it’s virtual, we’ve had people participate from not just here in the States, but Europe, Asia, even as far away as Australia. It’s been a wonderful learning opportunity for those new to the community to talk about their experiences and gain insight from veterans such as myself.
This most recent munch, a gentlman logged in (I’ll call him “Robbie”, which is not his real name, although, the screen name he gave us may not have been accurate either) who was a new Dom and had questions about how to degrade his girlfriend. Robbie’s girlfriend had expressed interest in being a submissive, and more explicitly, physical degredation. As we spoke to Robbie, I got the feeling that this wasn’t so much something he was onboard with, but rather, something he was doing to make his girlfriend happy. Now, I will add, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with that. As someone with five partners, I do believe I have a responsibility to at least try something new, and if I don’t like it, I reserve the right to say “No thanks, not for me.”
The first question I asked Robbie was “Have you asked your girlfriend what she would like you to do?” He replied he hadn’t and I pressed as to why. His response was nothing short of heart-breaking. In so many words, he responded “I don’t want to ask because she wants it to be a surprise. I don’t know what to do, and she kind of just expects me to know what to do.”
The situation with Robbie is a textbook example of why communication is so important, not just in the BDSM community, but life in general. As someone who used to work in sales, my manager once told me “Closed mouths don’t get fed”. Or, in other words, “You’ll never get what you want if you don’t have the courage to ask for it”. If we are not clear, concise, and explicit in our desires, we are not going to get what we want, or even worse, we may get something we didn’t ask for.
Confidence – I like to say that shame is the gift we give ourselves. What I mean by that is that a big reason people feel ashamed about something is because we have been conditioned by society to do so. Once you decide what people think of you is no longer important, shame disappears and we are free to live as our authentic selves.
As someone who was overweight and nerdy as a pre-teen and teenager and was struggling with both undiagnosed autism and depression, self-confidence is something I struggled with early, and while I like to think I mostly have it under control, it still manifests itself to this day in ways such as, say, working my fingers to the bone doing volunteer work for the community because if something doesn’t get done, I’m gonna blame myself, because clearly, I could have done more if I just tried a little harder.
While I was a swinger for six years before I was introduced to BDSM, I still felt shy and awkward when “putting myself out there”. The one nice thing about swinging is that women are still in some ways considered “the bait”, so I always had the luxury of waiting for other couples to approach us. My first year in BDSM was no different in that the only person I would scene with was Panda as I never felt comfortable asking other people if I could top them (The fact that I didn’t find much pleasure in topping in the first place probably didn’t help).
It wasn’t until I met Penguin and I learned to embrace my submissiveness did I start to feel more comfortable in not just my desires, but my body as well. Where as before I was always uncomfortable being naked around strangers, now I’m the one at the club who’s yelling “My balls are coming out! If you don’t want to see this, now’s your chance to leave!” Not only do I enjoy an audience, I DEMAND one. Exhibitionism is a kink I never thought I would enjoy, and if it wasn’t for a community that not only accepted me but actively encouraged me to explore those kinks, I never would be where I am today.
Authenticity – Personally, I don’t believe you can really be authentic if you’re not confident. That’s not me throwing shade on people who lack self-confidence, rather, I’m merely pointing out that in order to show the world who you really are, you first need to feel comfortable with the fact that not everyone is going to accept your truth.
“Coming out” as a male submissive took a lot of strength and support from the community. My Dommes, especially Penguin, went a long way in helping me vocalize what it is that I wanted, and that desire to be authentic has carried itself over into my day-to-day life. It was this love of myself and my authenticity that helped me come out as poly to my family and friends and to start this blog.
The great thing about authenticity is that it’s the world’s greatest aphrodisiac. When you are your authentic self, it attracts other people to you who want to be part of your circle. Their authenticity then feeds your authenticity in this beautiful cycle of growth and happiness. As I’ve said a thousand times before, there’s a difference between “simple” and “easy”. Being authentic is simple. You just “do the thing”. It’s not easy and it has taken me years to come to terms with who I am, but I wouldn’t have traded my experiences and the support system I have built in the community for anything.
Validation – You’ll notice that there’s a theme forming here about not just personal identity, but community identity. I asked each of my partners as well as a few of my metas that question of “How has BDSM benefitted your Vanilla life” and Foxy mentioned something very heartfelt. They said “It gave me a sense of community, a feeling that I wasn’t broken.”
We human beings are social creatures. As much as introverts like myself would like to deny it, no person is an island and we need a community to survive, let alone thrive. Even Tom Hanks had Wilson the Volleyball to keep him company all that time he was stranded in the middle of the ocean. One of the many purposes a community serves is to remind us is that there are other people like us who share a common set of interests, values. and a belief system.
One of my favorite things about the BDSM community is how open and welcoming it is. Like any other community, we have our social mores, however, as long as the activities you engage in are safe, sane, and consensual, no one is going to look down on you. “Don’t yuck my yum” is a phrase we take very seriously, and no matter what your kink, I GUARANTEE you that you will find someone else who is open to that idea and willing to take you under their wing if you need a mentor. It’s a lesson in learning and compassion that we all need to carry forward.
Consent – During my conversation with Foxy, they also mentioned how much BDSM taught them about consent. I told them my original plan was to lump that into the “Communication” conversation, but on second though, because consent is SO important, I think it’s important we take some time to re-emphasize it.
I like to say that communication is about what you say, where as consent is about both what you say as well as what you DON’T say. The whole idea behind the concept of Enthusiastic Positive Consent is that there are no assumptions. Unless something is explicitly agreed to, it’s off the table. It’s really a radical deviation from how most people communicate and requires a complete retraining of how we think about human interaction. It’s estimated that 90% of human interaction is nonverbal, and Enthusiastic Positive Consent basically asks us to move most if not all of that 90% into a verbal format.
Because BDSM involves activities that could be physically or psychologically damaging if not done properly, we have to make sure we dot all the “I”s and cross all the “T”s during negotiations. It’s not until something goes sideways do we recognize that what we once considered overkill is actually an important step in the process that can not be overlooked. If we approached the way that we interact with friends, family members, co-workers, acquaintances, and strangers with the same dilligence that we negotiated consent within the BDSM community, we’d find ourselves on the wrong end of far fewer disagreements, and more importantly, recognize each other as these amazing human beings who have their own needs and desires that yearn to be respected.
Better understanding of sexuality – While BDSM isn’t inherently sexual, it’s no surprise that a lot of the activities can become sexual and the BDSM community is this beautiful rainbow of queer gender and sexual identity. Vixen, who identifies as heteroflexible, informed me that BDSM gave her a safe space to further explore her sexuality and see where she lands on that spectrum. Even I, as a cisheterosexual man, who once thought that sexuality was binary, have come to understand that there absolutely is a range, and just as important, sexuality isn’t tied to your genitals or who you play with. Later this week, Vixen’s nesting partner is going to top me in a scene and it’s the first time I’ve ever let a man do that. Am I nervous? Of course. That’s to be expected. What I’ve come to understand though is that a man having his hands around your dick doesn’t make you gay, and that we can disregard gender identity and connect to each other as human beings if we so choose.
Stress management – This is kind of a no-brainer, especially for the submissives in the group. Like any physical activity that invokes the use of not just the muscles, but the mind, BDSM can elevate your blood pressure and heart rate as well up the adrenaline levels in your body. It’s basically like putting your body through a stress-test. The more you do it, the more normalized the elevated levels of stress become. This, naturally, translates to a greater ability to cope with and manage stress in one’s Vanilla life.
More than just this increased stress tolerance, BDSM itself serves as a stress relief tool. Vixen will agree with me when I say there are some days where you just feel worn out and you tell your dominant “I could really go for a scene right now”. I’ve said it to Penguin numerous times. While looking at it from the outside, being the bottom in a BDSM scene doesn’t seem relaxing, but when you elevate to subspace, it’s this beautiful euphoria that just wipes all your cares away and you forget about all the bullshit you’ve had to deal with, if only for one night.
Vulnerability and Humility – As a fellow male submissive, Vixen’s nesting partner brought this one to my attention, and honestly, I’m surprised I didn’t think of it first. Someone once told me that if something makes you uncomfortable, the more you do it, the more comfortable you become with it. BDSM, by definition, explores the very taboo aspects of our society. To be willing to not just explore your kinks, but ask others to explore them with you, takes a tremendous amount of courage and the willingness to be vulnerable. You have to stand in front of others, emotionally naked (and sometimes physically as well) and say “This is who I am, and I am unashamed”.
In addition to vulnerability, you gain a newfound level of respect for members in your community and what it is they do. Again, to the outside world, BDSM doesn’t look that complicated. Tie someone to a cross and smack them with a flogger. For those of us in the community, we know there’s a lot more to it. Not only is there a level of technical expertised required in the physical act, but there’s a whole other layer of emotional and psychological complexity that partners share when they scene. I alluded to this in my article on bratting: Bratting is so much more than just acting like an asshole. It’s an intricate dance the brat and brat-tamer play to achieve a desired emotional response.
I find it ironic that BDSM shares this dual identity as something that is viewed both as a sign of mental illness, as well as a tool used in mental health therapy. It wasn’t until 2013 that BDSM was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, and even then it was still listed as a warning sign and potential symptom of an underlying condition. Despite this, BDSM is also rapidly being accepted by kink-friendly therapists as a legitimate way to process trauma and stress in a safe environment. While to outsiders and the uneducated, BDSM may look like something perverse, the truth is, like every life experience, there are things we can pull from it, tools that we can add to our proverbial toolbox and redeploy in ways that make us happier, healthier, and more productive.
Until next time, stay kinky, my friends…
–The Bratty Cat
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