Armpits, anal, abduction seduction–Joshua R. Pangborn, “The ABCs of Kink”
Auto-fellatio, how far can you bend
Age play and adult babies
Are both kinks I can fully recommend
Hey, my kinky, polyam peeps! Sorry for my extended absence. The spring was very busy with both work and personal junk, but I’m super glad to be back!
Given that this is my first blog post in about three months, I wanted to ease back into things and do something fun. If you’re a regular reader, you’ll remember last March when I did The ABCs of Polyamory. If figured, “Hey! This is a Polyam AND Kink blog, so let’s just recycle the idea into something new!” Plus, now I have a great topic for a 26-part TikTok series.
Before we take a stroll through the kinky alphabet, let’s do the resource dump…
For this article, I resourced material from this 2018 article from “Bound Together”, this 2020 article from GQ, this 2020 blog entry on Deviant Art, this article from Wikipedia, and the beautiful, wonderful, irreplaceable Penguin, who helped me craft the final list.
A is for Aftercare – So, there’s two things that people tend to forget about aftercare. First, while aftercare need not always be GIVEN, it does always need to be OFFERED. Each Submissive has their own form of aftercare and for some like me, it’s “Leave me alone with my Reese’s, blanket, and stuffie.” Second, Dom’s can need aftercare too. They’re the ones doing most of the work, so Subs, always check-in on your Doms during the scene debrief, if not sooner.
B is for Brat – I originally started this piece with “B is for Bondage”, then I came to my senses and realized “Brat” was my only logical choice. I like to say a Brat is a submissive who loves their dominant SOOOOOO MUCH that they want them to work for it. Brats are not everyone’s cup of tea, and I’ve found the bond between Brat and Brat Tamer to be truly unique.
C is for Consent – I could write an entire blog piece on consent (Oh! Wait! I totally did!) Here’s the thing: “If it ain’t a ‘HELL, YES!’, it’s a ‘HELL, NO!!!'” We don’t have a right to cross anyone’s boundaries, and if you’re unsure where they are, ASK!!!
D is for Dominant – Dominant is one of the two “D’s” in BDSM (Discipline being the other) and often gets confused with “Top”. Remember: The dominant is one that directs the scene, not necessarily the one taking action, which is why I like to say Brats are “Dominant Bottoms” in a way, since they are CONSTANTLY trying to wrestle control.
E is for Edgeplay – There’s no formal definition for what constitutes “Edgeplay”. I like to ask “Is there a distinct possibility that you could end up in the ER at the end of the night?” If the answer is “Yes”, that’s Edgeplay. Common types of Edgeplay are Knife play, Needle play, Breath play, Fire play, Electric play, or Rough Body play. Edgeplayers like to push the envelope of safety and if you’re going to engage in Edgeplay, make sure it’s with someone who is knowledgeable in that specific type of edgeplay and someone you trust. This is NOT for beginners!
F is for Fantasy – I like to say that BDSM is a form of theatre. I’ve noticed that a lot of the kink-shaming that happens today comes from the false projection by others that the things that people engage in in-scene is something that they want to engage in all the time, or that it’s part of their personality. Much like someone who likes to watch scary movies doesn’t really want to see people chased down by an axe-murder and hacked to pieces in real-life, kink is roleplaying where adults can play pretend, if only for a little while.
G is for Grandmother Rule – A big part of kink is consent, and that includes getting the consent of anyone within eye or earshot of your scene. When around “The Vanillas”, ask yourself “Is my behavior something I would feel comfortable with my Grandmother seeing?” If the answer is “No”, then don’t do it.
H is for Hurt, not Harm – For those outside of the kink community, this is one of the toughest things to understand. There’s a difference between inflicting physical or mental pain out of malice versus doing it with consent. While, as a masochist, I endure a lot of physical and mental pain while sceneing, it’s something I wholeheartedly consented to, and I know I have the ability to revoke that consent at any time.
I is for Impact Play – This is probably the most common type of play in the BDSM community because it’s easy, it requires little more than your hands, and you can do it virtually anywhere. There’s a lot more to know about impact play than just spanking. When engaging in impact play, make sure you understand what parts of the body are on and off-limits and what to do in case of emergency. Even the most tame of kink activities can quickly become dangerous if appropriate precautions are not taken.
J is for Japanese Bondage – Also known as “Shibari”, is a style of decorative rope play that focuses on both the aesthetic as well as the sensation the rope creates against the bottom’s body. Shibari can be used for both suspension as well as decorative purposes, and it is not uncommon for rope bottoms to wear Shibari harnesses under their clothing in public settings as way to engage in kink discreetly.
K is for Knife Play – Knife Play is a form of Edgeplay that involves… you guessed it! Knives! This is a personal favorite of mine, however it is NOT for newbies. Make sure you are only doing this with a trusted partner and educate yourself on what constitutes safe Knife Play because the consequences have the potential to be disastrous.
L is for Limits – Limits can be hard (No way, Josè!!!) or soft (We can try it, but only under certain circumstances), and they should ALWAYS be respected! While I think there’s value to be found in trying something new, no one should ever force or coerce you into something that makes you uncomfortable.
M is for Munch – One of the most common questions I get is “Where to do I meet other kinky people?” Well, your local munch is your ticket. If you’re new to the community, you may not have a play partner, and if you do, you can probably benefit from some education to make sure you’re doing it safely. Your local munch (and believe me, there is one local to you. It’s hiding in plain sight) is your resource to both meet people as well as learn skills and tools that will serve you well, and hopefully, you too can pass along to new members in the community when it’s your time.
N is for Negotiation – While we may not think of it as part of the “scene”, negotiations are BY FAR the most important part. Negotiations are your time to voice both your desires, but also your limits in a safe, controlled environment when everyone is of sound mind and body. Once negotiations have been finalized, they are “locked in”, and while you can always consent to have something removed mid-scene, you should never ADD to the list of activities because consent can’t be freely given if we’re in the middle of Dom or Sub Space.
O is for Orgasm Denial – I like to call orgasm denial my “favorite/least favorite activity”. There’s just something so amazing about your partner bringing you to the edge of climax, and then pulling you back, giggling with delight the whole time. For a masochist like me, it’s the perfect mix of pleasure and pain.
P is for Pet Play – Not to be confused with Furries (people who dress up as anthropomorphic animals), pet play involves the bottom dressing up as an animal (usually a puppy, although cats and other creatures can be used as well) and taken out for “play” with their “Handler” (the Top). Puppy play is unique in the fact that it is one of the few kinks that is engaged in in large groups (The Puppy Park) and allows the bottom to simply romp around and think of a simpler place and time.
Q is for Quirofilia – I thought about going with “Queening” for this one but I needed to be careful as all of this content is going on TikTok, plus I thought “Hey! Let’s teach everyone a new word!” Quirofilia is nothing more than becoming sexually aroused by the use of hands or fingers. While it’s not unusual to be attracted to a specific part of the body (Foot fetishes come to mind), outside of the colloquial “hand job”, quirofilia is one of the lesser known kinks, even if we see it more often than we realize.
R is for R.A.C.K. – Risk Aware Consensual Kink (R.A.C.K) is a philosophical view of kink that focuses on the idea that all parties should have informed consent about the risks associated with a given activity. This is similar to, although slightly different from Safe, Sane, and Consensual (S.S.C), which focuses on the idea that consent should be framed in the context of both physical and mental safety. While both frameworks are valid, I enjoy the R.A.C.K. framework as it allows participants to “push the envelope” as long as all parties have been properly informed.
S is for Sounding – There aren’t many kinks that get the “OH MY GOD!!!” response when mentioned to newbies. Sounding is one of them. It involves placing a metal or silicone rod (referred to as a ‘Sounding Rod’) into the urethra. From there, the rod can simply remain inserted, or can be manipulated to cause vibrations, or even used as a tool in electric play. Considered a form of “edge play” (because of the health risks involved), it’s definitely NOT Kink 101…
T is for Topping from the Bottom – It’s important to remember that there is a distinction between Doms and Tops and Subs and Bottoms. The Dom directs the scene while the Top engages in the action. Now, in most D/S dynamics, the Dom and the Top are one and the same, but not always. “Topping from the Bottom” is when the Sub/Bottom tries to wrestle control of the scene away from the Dom/Top. Many Doms find this incredibly frustrating. We Brats call it “Your average Tuesday”. Regardless, as long as safe words and negotiations are properly followed, the Sub should respect what was pre-negotiated in the scene, or else choose to end it.
U is for Urophilia – Also known as “Water Sports” (see my recent blog entry on the topic), urophilia is the pleasure received from playing with urine, typically that of your partner. It can be seen as both a form of dominance as well as intimacy. For those who engage in water sports, and other bodily fluid play, there is something very special about sharing something that is inherently human about your partner. (Do I like it when Bunny spits on me? Yes. Yes I do…)
V is for Vanilla – To define what’s Vanilla, we have to first define what’s “Kinky”. While there’s no universally accepted definition, I like to say kink is anything outside the mainstream. Therefore, vanilla would be anything that is part of the mainstream. When around the Vanillas, remember, consent is key, and if they didn’t consent to see or hear about your kink, don’t do it!
W is for Wartenburg Wheel – Like every great kink toy, the Wartenburg Wheel started its existence with perfectly vanilla intent, and then became adopted and bastardized by the community. Originally used for neurological testing by doctors (and later adopted by seamstresses to trace fabric), a Wartenburg Wheel is a tiny wheel with spikes used to create a tingling and “pokey” sensation on the skin. It is an absolute FAVORITE in my toy bag, and, in my opinion, a “must” for anyone interested in sensation play.
X is for X-rated – If had a list of “Top 3 Misconceptions about Kink”, the idea that kink is inherently sexual would be one of them. While kink CAN be sexual, and I would argue a good amount of it IS sexual, it doesn’t have to be, and it can be an activity engaged in by two platonic friends just as easily as two romantic partners.
Y is for (Don’t) Yuck my Yum – The Kink community is built on pillars of consent, diversity, and tolerance. While we all have a responsibility to call about problematic behavior when we see it, as long as all parties consent and are honoring each other in a respectful way, it is not our place to say what should or should not get your motor running.
Z is for Zapper – Often seen as a form of edge play, electric play involves either exposing the body directly to electric shocks or using electricity to create various visual or sensual effects. While one of the tamer versions of edgeplay (most electric play toys have safeties that prevent the users from inadvertently hurting themselves) like other forms of edgeplay, extreme caution should still be used, and it’s important to educate yourselves on the risk, preferably from someone in the community with hands-on experience, before engaging.
That wraps it up for this week’s article. For the first time in a long time, I have no idea what the fuck I’m gonna write about next, so if you’ve got any ideas, I’m open to them…
Until next time, stay kinky, my friends…
— The Bratty Cat